Home Alone

Ken left yesterday to go to Indonesia to do some training for the next 12 DAYS!!! He's been gone less than 48 hours. (He probably just got there. It's an amazingly long couple days of travel to get there.) I've already had to call a plummer and clean up after a bloody nose (this after 10 days of fever, vomiting and being stuck in the house with four sick children). My sister who was supposed to arrive today missed her connecting flight in Detroit and is stuck in a hotel with two children by herself without her luggage. I will pack the kids in the car at 8:00 a.m. to travel to the airport - again. What else could go wrong? I don't even want to think about it! (Pray for the car!)

You Are Autumn

I walked into my kitchen today and it was glowing. There was a golden glow spilling in through my window. The big maple tree outside my window seemed to surrender to the inevitable overnight. Yesterday it was green. Today it is bright yellow. It reminded me of the beautiful words to Nichole Nordeman's song "Every Season". Enjoy! (To listen to the song, scroll down the page to my playlist and click on #16.)

every evening sky an invitation to trace the patterned stars

and early in July, a celebration for freedom that is ours

and I notice You in children's games, in those who watch them from the shade

every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder

You are Summer

and even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time

forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside

still I notice you when change begins, and I am braced for colder winds

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come

You are Autumn

and everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep

wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath

and still I notice you when branches crack, and in my breath on frosted glass

even now in death You open doors for life to enter

You are Winter

and everything that's new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe

what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green

so it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change

and so it will be as You are re-creating me

Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

(Witten by Nichole Nordeman)

Moments of Perfection

Here's a little project I've been working on. I have wanted to have pictures in my bedroom of the first time I held each of my children. So when I found this frame at Home Goods on the clearance rack, I new it would be perfect. It has four openings, and I have four children. How perfect is that?

I knew the shiny dark wood finish would not really fit my bedroom so it took me a while to come up with a plan. It's still not totally done, but it's coming along great. Here's what I did.

I sprayed it with some ivory spray paint (no I didn't prime or sand it first). It turned cold out the day I did it and so the paint bubbled up. I was afraid I had totally ruined it. I took some sand paper to the bubbled area and it gave me the exact look I was going for. How's that? I accidentally create what I wanted! I did some more distressing so that it now actually resembles something that sat out in a barn for years. I wanted to include some of the beautiful buttons I found a while back, so I scattered them along the edges and hot glued them in place. I also wanted to somehow convey the significance of the photos and was thinking about painting the words "First Moments" at the top. While I was rummaging through some of my supplies, I found the phrase "Moments of Perfection" which is exactly what I felt at each moment I held each one of my children for the first time. I remember saying when they put Josiah in my arms, "This feels really good." And after delivering Bennett, I remember thinking, "You did this God and he's perfect."

Anyway, these pictures are intimate moments with my children. I probably wouldn't put them on my coffee table or on the wall in my kitchen, but my bedroom wall is perfect. I treasure each memory and now I can look at each photo any time I want. Here's what the frame looks like now.

Little Deaths

Let me say at the outset that I am sorry if this post gets long. It's been a long time swirling in my head and has to come out. I promise to be quirky and pithy next post!


We're in a series at church right now called "Facebook! Healthy Spritual Living". The focus this week is "Inviting Unusual Friends". We are focusing on welcoming loss and grief into your life. In trying to think about how to lead the congregation Sunday morning (leading worship), I've been thinking about loss and grief in my own life. Most of the time, I think of grief and loss as strangers to me. I have not experienced great tradgedy in my life other than the loss of grandparents and one or two dear friends. While I grieved the loss of these dear ones, most of these losses were also occasions to celebrate lives that had been lived for Christ and to rejoice that they are now worshipping their Savior face to face!


As I have thought about the topic more this week, I have come to realize that I am more familiar with grief and loss than I have thought. While physical tragedy has not visited my life often, I have felt the blow of many "little deaths" in my life. I'm referring to losses that take a toll on your soul even when you don't realize it - the loss of moving away from the family you love, realizing the career path I chose wasn't what I wanted to do with my life, the death of a dream, the loss of family time that comes in ministry (usually I give it up willingly - not always - Hey, I'm not perfect!), and many others. Sometimes loss comes like a storm in the night. While we might have some indication that it's coming, we are surprised when we wake to find tree branches down and chairs blown over, but we are grateful the house is still standing. Loss can be like that. It leaves us a little shaken, but we're still standing firm. And then there are those times when loss is more like a flood. It totally blind sides us. We are not prepared for it, and it leaves us feeling like we're about to go under.


This past two years, I have experienced quite a few little deaths - the loss of friendships, the loss of respect for those who say they walk with Christ but do not reflect His character in the tough moments, the loss of beautiful family moments that can never be recaptured, and the list goes on. Unfortunately, many of them came into my life like a flood and what was left in the aftermath was not pretty. God knows all the moments my heart grieved. He knows the effect those losses have had in my life and in my family's life. Some I weathered better than others, and some I may never get over. While I did not choose these pains and I did not welcome them at the time, these losses turned out to be, as the series title suggests, unusual friends. "How's that?" you ask. In the moments of loss and grief, I turned to the One who knows me like no other. I sought Him, and I got to know Him better because no one else could understand the depth of grief I felt. And after all, isn't knowing Him and then conforming to His heart what it's all about.


In times of loss, people do one of two things: they grope around in the dark and choose to stay there or they turn to the Light (the truth of God's Word). I have a dear friend (Tim) who used to say (probably still does), "Trust Him in the dark; obey Him in the light." It's the trusting that is key. Do we believe He is who He says He is? Do we believe He will do what He says He will do? If the answer is yes, then we are compelled to obey Him, to go to His word and seek out the answers for the pain and the grief and the hurt. I believe as we obey Him in the light (in the knowledge of His Word), that is when we find it easier to let go and that is when He is most glorified in our suffering.


When things are hard, some people journal. It helps them process the pain. Here are some of the things I have tried to do during the "groping in the dark' these past two years that helped me process and turn to the Light of His Word and be obedient.

• Keeping a record of God's goodness - I started trying to write every day about the goodness of God in my life. It's amazing how He reveals His goodness to You when You look to Him! Sometimes it's hard to see the goodness when you are focused on yourself and your pain. So I stopped being so self-involved.



• Mystery Box - Sitting on top of my piano is a box, a special box. I call it a mystery box. (My brother gave me the idea.) In it are little reminders of things in my life that I don't understand. While I was groping for answers one day, I pulled it out. I read a letter from a mentor's dad telling me she had passed away. I read a Christmas letter from a friend describing the struggle her family was experiencing related to her husband's cancer. I saw the picture of the house in Virgin Gorda we gave up when our son broke his leg. I saw the picture of Jae-Jae our cat who died after one year (my son put that one in). And there are other reminders. Going through this box helped. It reminded me that there are just some things we are not meant to know right now. It also reminded me that I survived each one of those moments of pain and it gave me hope that I would be ok - again! And the best part, some of the things I read in the box that were once mysteries, I now see God's purposes in them. We won't always be able to see things clearly in this life, but sometimes, He shows us where He was in a particular storm and how He used it for our good and His glory. We will continue to use our mystery box to remind us and teach our children that God comes near to the brokenhearted and He always hears us when we call on Him. Somehow, the opening the box and physically putting something in that we can't make sense of is like declaring, "I don't understand this but I'm trusting it into Your hands." You should try it!



• Interceeding - My mom's father died tragically when she was 13. I remember her saying that she knew there was no one who could possibly understand how she felt and she had no one to talk to, but she knew she could always talk to Jesus. She knew He understood loss. This was a 13-year-old! My mom is a wise woman who loved Jesus then and loves Him even more today. I have never forgotten that. In ministry, sometimes there is no one you can speak to about certain matters. It stinks, but it's just the truth. Oh sure, you can talk to your spouse obviously, but sometimes he's in a worse place than you are. I remember several times over these last years waking in the night to see my husband kneeling at the couch. I knew he was confused, heartbroken, and unsure what to do. On those nights, I just crawled back in my bed and began talking to Jesus for him. I knew Jesus understood his pain, and it was all I could do for him at the time. I interceeded. And I know there were nights when I was "sleeping" and I'd feel his hand on my shoulder and realize that he was praying for me. He interceeded for me. And I remember nights when the reality that "hurt people hurt people" hit really hard and we suffered from their hurting. We'd lie in our bed and ask God to be real for these people as well. Sometimes, we didn't want to, but we did it anyway. We interceeded for them. It's hard to harbor resentment when you are asking God to show them favor. (again - focusing on others instead of self - I see a theme here)

I certainly am not implying I always grieve the proper way. I mean, hey, I get angry. I rehearse things I would say to people if given the opportunity or if I was braver. (Don't you! And I always think of the perfect thing to say - in my head.) I yell at God sometimes, too. I take things out on my family when I'm hurt. I shut down when the pain is too real and just push people away. I am aware that I do these things. I know they are not how God wants me to respond. And I am ashamed at the ugliness of my sin. This is not the person I want to be. This is the person who stays in the dark, living out of her own strength. Eventually, when my strength is gone, I come running to Him who is all powerful. In Him is where I find the strength to be someone different. Someone who doesn't stay in the dark. That's not where I want to live. It's ugly in the dark.

Ok, so I've learned alot about Him these last few years. Here are some of the truths He taught me in the letting go:

• He is in control (Psalm 29:10) The LORD sits enthroned over the flood; the LORD is enthroned as King forever. He's even in charge of the flood. There is never a moment when things are beyond His control.

• He sees (EL-Roi: The God who sees) I don't have to wonder if He sees my pain or if He sees injustice. He sees it all.



• He defends me (Jehovah-Nissi: The Lord is my banner) God defends His people. He lifts them up in the battle. I don't have to get defensive. It's hard not to want to prove ourselves. But we don't have to give in to that urge.



• He is with me (Jehovah-Shammah: The Lord Is there) I am never alone. Even when I can't talk to anyone or I've shut everyone out, He's there.



• An open hand helps the heart heal faster. If I live with tight fists, clinging to everything and everyone I love, then I have no hand to grasp His hand when He wants to extend comfort, or healing, or some new measure of goodness. In the letting go, there is hope and newness.

So back to Sunday. How shall I lead? What can I do to enlarge our picture of who God is? How will I help us have a moment where our realities come face to face with the Divine? These are the struggles I face as a leader. This Sunday, I will definitely lead from a place in my heart no one usually sees. The place that knows from experience that He is sufficient - for everything I need. And from that place, I hope they will see His sufficiency for them!

Here's a reminder for you of His sufficiency. He is everything you need! Enjoy!

A Drive in the Country

Last week, I had lunch with a friend at her house in the country. Her house is beautiful and so welcoming. She had it all decorated for fall. I had decided not to do much decorating for fall this year, but when I left her house I was in the mood for a drive in the country. As I was driving, I passed bunches of little pumpkin stands. Some were at Orchards (pumpkins $5) and some were at people's farms. My favorite was this one.

I actually had to turn the car around to see if I had read the sign correctly. I love driving in the country. You never know what you are going to find. I had a five dollar bill so I picked the five biggest pumpkins (I'm not crazy!) I put my money in the little coffee can that was sitting behind the pumpkins and drove off feeling totally happy. Then as I continued my drive, I passed another little farm with a cute wagon out front full of pumpkins, gourds, etc...In front of the wagon was a basket that said everything 25 cents. It was full of large odd shaped gourds, some strange looking squashes and cute little round pumpkins. Of course, I dug through the change drawer in my car and came up with six quarters. Hey, a bargain is a bargain.

When I got home, I combined my little "gifts" with the gourds and Indian corn my neighbor had given me and the flat pumpkins I had previously purchased to fill my urns, and now this is what it looks like at my house.

In My Weakness, He Is Strong

I didn't sleep well last night. I am coming down with a cold so it was hard to breathe, but I had just gotten home from rehearsal. I never sleep well after rehearsal. My blood is usually still pumping, and I usually obsess over committing the songs to memory the way we rehearsed them so that when Sunday rolls around, I remember what I'm doing.

Last night, I was profoundly impacted by the fact that I was surrounded by an incredible amount of talent and skill. It was the first time I had worked with three of the band members, but as the night progressed, it was evident they all knew how to use their instruments - very well! I found myself thinking, "What in the world am I doing here? These people are so gifted! I have no formal music training. I don't even play an instrument." I spent the majority of the rehearsal doing a balancing act between being totally intimidated by their abilities and feeling absolutely relieved that I could relax in those abilities because they all new what they were doing even when I wasn't sure what I was doing! The night ended and somehow despite the feelings of inadequacy I had confirmation that I was doing one of the things I was created to do. I affirmed the band and told them it had been a privilege working with people of their skill and ability. I just really wanted them to understand how blessed I felt to be there, when one of the band guys said, "Well, you're a great leader." I simply said, "Thank you," but inside it was like a light went off. It's like I heard God say, "Karen, your gift is just as important to my work as that guitar or that set of drums. I gave you the instrument of leadership. Practice it. Develop it. Use it to bring honor to me." I also sensed Him saying to me, "It's okay to feel inadequate. But don't live there. Don't feel sorry for yourself. In your inadequacies, I can do great things. In your weakness, I am strong. In your insufficiency, I can show myself as sufficient, not just to you, but to those you lead." That's what I want! I want people to see Him. I want people to experience His greatness. I want people to come face to face with His perfectness so they can realize how imperfect they are. That's when transformation happens. That's when lives are changed. And I play a critical part in that! I can use my instrument. What's your instrument?

Thanks for meeting me right where I was last night, God. I needed that!

Daddy's Boys

It's tough, but I have to admit that my boys are daddy's boys not mommy's boys. Don't get me wrong. They love their mommy, and they have a daddy who teaches them to adore and honor me. But there's just something different about when daddy's home. Being a pastor requires him to be away quite a bit (although he is good about protecting certain times just for us), so when he does finally walk through the door, the boys just seem to come alive. There is more laughter, and the volume level rises quite a bit as everyone is trying to talk to him at once (including me). Most men seem to need some down time after work before they jump into the family dynamic, but our daddy takes off his pastor hat when he leaves the office so that he has his daddy hat on when he walks through the door at home. He is always 100% daddy when he walks in. He says it's his second full-time job. (Sometimes I can't believe God gave me this man!)

My hubby started a tradition with my oldest son when he was little. On Saturday mornings, they would take off to the local bagel store for breakfast and a game of backgammon. Somehow, in the business of life, that tradition has fallen to the wayside. At dinner tonight, Josiah asked if Dad could take him for bagels tomorrow before school. We discussed trying to get in the routine again and including all the boys in a rotation, so that everyone gets some one-on-one time with dad. After Josiah claimed his rightful spot as the first one to get time with dad, Ellis, in his sweet and funny way, piped up and said, "I call Dad second," as if he was claiming his spot in the car or his turn on a video game. Ken and I just looked at each other and laughed. That statement said so much about how he needs his dad.

Boys need their fathers. Who else will teach them how to be good dads, how to treat women, how to build things and how to stand up when they go to the bathroom (and all those other important things of course). Boys need their dads!

a much younger Ken with Siah in North Carolina

Lake Michigan Shoreline

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Ephesians 6:4

Potting Sheds. Popcorn and Peace of Mind

Last week, my neighbor brought over a bucket full of gourds and Indian corn. She had grown them both in her garden and knew I would have fun decorating with them. When I went to return her bucket later that day, I found her near her potting shed. We chatted about garlic (which we had both grown this year) and she stepped inside the shed to show me how to keep garlic. I followed her in and my heart did a little pitter-patter. Now, it's not a huge shed, and it's not elaborately decorated or anything. It was simple, clean, organized and full of all the things I love: flowers hanging upside down, watering cans, little tin lanterns to hang in the trees, etc... (Unless my mind is playing tricks on me, I think I even remember a small ladder to an upper little loft area.) Everything had its place, and all her little touches were so pretty. (Maybe I can convince her to let me take pictures.)

Later that night, I told my hubby that if I had one of those cute little places, I would just go hang out in it. (Do you really have to garden to justify having a potting shed?) If I really did have one of those places right now, I'm sure it wouldn't look like hers. Mine would be full of balls, sticks (for weapons of course), and mud - lots of mud. And my tools would not be neatly organized. How do I know that? Because I find them all over the place. Recently, I found two of my tools down in the garden hidden under the overgrowth (nicer way to say weeds) where someone had decided to dig. Just last week, I ran over one of my favorite pewter garden forks and broke two of the tines. Someone had decided it was just what they needed to dig in the sandpit next to our driveway. I digress. I was speaking of her kindness in sharing her bounty, wasn't I? I did thoroughly enjoy using the gourds and corn to decorate my window boxes.

Earlier this fall, this same sweet neighbor brought over the most beautiful plate of cut-out cookies I have ever been given. (She often brings cookies when a new season or holiday comes around.) She has elevated cookie decorating to an artform. My children and I oohed and aahed as we ate the fall leaves, acorns and pumpkins because not only were they beautiful, they were delicious! I was smart enough to put a small bowl in the freezer so I could sneak one out whenever the urge hit. (That didn't last long.)

I love my neighbor. She and her husband have treated us as they would their own children. They are always doing the sweetest things for us. This past year, she watched my little one for me a couple of times when I needed someone to help. Several years ago, she brought my children stuffed animals after returning from a trip. For the last several years during the Christmas season, she has brought us the most beautiful gingerbread house with four huge personalized gingerbread men for the boys. Not long after we moved into this neighborhood, her husband gave us one of those rechargeable battery chargers for the car battery. (Dennis, I had to use it twice this last month. We suspected our battery was dying. Thanks to you, I didn't get stranded. I finally bought a new battery!) A week ago, my hubby had to go out of town overnight. During the evening as I was getting supper ready for the boys, Dennis showed up with a bag of buttered popcorn from our local popcorn stand. (He knows I love popcorn!) He said, "Any mom home with four boys by herself needs popcorn." He was so right. It's great to know my neighbors look out for me and my family. That's how it should be.

Dennis and Diane, if you are reading this, you'll never know what a gift you are to us. Diane, when you brought the cookies over, Josiah said (and I paraphrase), "Mom, she's Grandmothering us!" In the absence of local Grandparents, those were beautiful words to my ears (and to my son's heart)!

Lord, if you're reading this (just kidding - I know You know), help me be more like Diane. Not because she has a beautiful little shed or fabulous gardens or makes the best cookies, but because she has your heart, and I want to have it, too.

Pretty Little Things

I am a firm believer that something that is functional doesn't have to be boring. I like to surround myself with pretty things. I think they make even the most mundane tasks enjoyable. They inspire me.

For instance, if I had these scissors, I would probably never stop sewing...

You can buy them at www.onehundredwishes.com/sewpretty.html.


...and wouldn't laundry be so much more fun if you could do it here. I mean, check out those jars! (I don't even need the room. The jars would be just fine!)

Picture at http://www.hamptondesign.com/

Here are some little pretties I made myself to make laundry just a little more fun. (They'd be gorgeous in those jars!)

A Little Transformation

A while back, I found this interesting vase(?) at Goodwill. I wasn't sure what it was but it was really cool. It only cost $4. I was pretty sure it could be pretty in my bedroom with a little work, so I snatched it up. Then I turned the corner for the next aisle and found an intriguing little piece of iron. It looked like a lid to something and was marked 95 cents. I bought it also. I forgot to take a before picture, but here's one in mid transformation.

The carved piece was a dark brown raw wood and the cage-looking thing was black. The lid piece was sort of a goldish bronze color. Here's what it looks like now in my bedroom after a coat of creamy white paint and some dried hydrangeas.